doubtfulace

with a good friend today.

Garmin worked, an showed 18.74 miles from Camley St. to Norwood Green ( the bit just before we rejoined the canal)

Just back from a run, and yes dear reader the pills I've just stopeed takin' have hampered my running. Where I was having to sit down after 4 1/2 miles I managed to do the "Super Delux Canal", as far as I can run up and down Regents Canal and all round Lime House Basin, over 11 miles infact. THIS IS GOOD. I guess the moral of this story is KEEP OFF THE PILLS. Even the properly prescribed by the doctor ones.

Funny thing about tiredness or the quantative nature of it. I'm knackered right now and I did push myself it hurts now and it hurt then,11 miles is a long way it ain't chasing after a bus. But I this pain/hurt is very livable with, I came home travlin as fast as I could in good shape knowin that I could keep going, if I HAD to do another couple of miles to get to half marathon distance I bet I could of.Yet the other day I was dead standin up after a couple of miles and I HAD to sit down, to stop, to recover, to feel better, to stop hurtin.Just amazin how something like tiredness can come in such diffrent forms with such diffrent practical effects on me and my performance.

Finally just glad to be back. I'm feelin a bit funny right now. But I'm so pleased to be able to do this, to have been able to achive tonight. Exercise and all the bits around it has such a positive effect on my life. GOOD :-))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Went for a run toady, running hasn't been good just lately had a bit of illness/injury so I've been strugglin to do the sorts of things that I could do with ease a couple of months ago. But anyway keeep goin, hang on in there, one foot in front of the other ect. Which is kinda a metaphore for my life. As is the fact a bloke ran into me, he simply wasn't looking where he was going, staring at a wall at 90 degrees to him infact, I had moved over as far as I reasonably easly could but we where on a tow path so I had limited room for menouver.But to no alvail straght into me.

Well this sums my life up. OK it taken insolation isn't such a bad thing, true. But stufflike this keeps happening to me. In less that perfect conditions I plod on hoping through my actions to make thing better but inverabliy I'm attacked/harrssed/abused wether delibertly or actdentily it still hurts.

Honestly it's almost five year since I embarked on this journey and I have to say it ain't no rip roaring success. The day I started this I would of settled for a good nights sleep and to be rid of these worthless I want to die feeling. Well five years on I'm not sleeping well, am depressed,single, lonley, skint,my ambition is no longer to have good things happen in my life, it's been a while since good stuff has happened, it simply dosen't. My ambition is to have an absence of bad in my day. If I can get through today and nothing bad has happened to me, I haven't been physically assulted then I've had a good day. This is the measure I use. This is how good my life is. What ever I do it never seams to be right or to work out. I try and I try and it comes up short.

Honestly I've had enough I don't know how much more of this I can take, my life shouldn't be like this. Maybe it is end game, find a nice tall building and end it all.

Went down the health centre after a referal from the the Doc. regarding some C.C.B.T.

I told the truth, talked about how it was, I may have applied a little polish to the truth but fundementally I told the truth.

I must of scared the lady seeing me 'cos insted of offering me C.C.B.T. she wanted offer me one to one sessions with a therapist, if her manager agreeed if the thearapist was avalalble ect etc.Well the thearpist phone me 'bout five mins after I'd got back home which was less than 20 mins after todays vist had finished, to offer me an apointment for further treatment. GAWD!! They must think I'm at risk. Maybe I am ? I'm certainly not happy.I don't want to be like this.

And I'm certainly glad that I'm getting seen, good to know people are concerned.

Back in January I booked flights to Berlin for the Marathon. I booked to fly from City Airport, which is just a couple of miles down the road and had many advantages like,"in extremus,I could walk there if I had to", the least stressful,least time consuming option, a small friendly airport, can't get lost and don't have to get there hours early.NOT the cheapest choice but I felt the best.

Well Laufthansa has stopped flying out of there!* BUGGER BOLLOXEY BUGGERATIONS!!!!


OK I have been offered alternative flights from Heathrow. I paniced a bit and took up the offer straight away without considering the alternatives. This isn't what I wanted, this isn't what I booked and paid for. Ok it's not the end of the world but frankly I was trying to avoid this stress.If I had to travel to an airport I could of done it cheaper. It would of been me in charge of the situation not the airline. I vent.



*Not enough city-types travelling due to the depression. Pitty I wanted to be treated like a bussiness type an' not budget cattle.

Have been unexpectedly asked if I'd like to go bowlin' This is good!

Bought a sou'wester* today, this is odd and good,,I think.



* A yellow wax cotton Barbour one, cheap, I think.

Well it turns out it is an infection an' not a strain. Seen the Doc. got some AntiBiotics, so good even if I had to wait much longer that promised ( Gawd I hate medical waiting rooms, sure they make people ill).But at least I should be able to run without worry, thank God for that!

Have changed blanks, hoping to keep old semi blank on as a kinda semi blank but after telling them about new blank this morning I don't know how well they took it, seamed like they were pretending it didn't matter when I think it did, the odd slipped comment gave it away ? Maybe? I know,I know I have to do what is best for me, ultimatly this is a selfish blank.

Pitty really 'cos I was up for polly blankship, I do really like both of them, hope I'm wrong on this one or minds are changed. And ofcourse am now worried new blank will withdraw at last minute/before we really get started.

Lets just see.

I may of been ripped off on EbAY. This has put me in a foul mood.Just not good. I know it could be worse but but but... (ok I'm hungary which never helps) but I could really do without this. BUGGER.

Feelin like shit right now.

Having a massage bought for you as a present is a wonderful thing,especially when the massage is given by some one with lots of experence who knows what their doing,especally when it's early in the day. On a day that is truly HOT, truly summery, just recently I know it's been nice now an' then but at times it has felt a little faux warm, spring like; today was like summer,and I like summer. With the long hours of day light this is my favourite time of year.

Also the peasants are revolting! HOOORAY! The British Waterways website did say the Towpath would be open today but guess what today at 8.30pm still blocked up! But, but somebody had torn down the tin so it was "informally" open. GOOD ON THEM, a better person than me. I'm glad that other people are venting their frustration on these useless bureaucrats who deny access to and endanger the lives of many many thousands of people. Am I going to be brave an' take my saw ? Glad to see this little bit of constructive demolition that helped me enjoy this lovley day.

Got up nice an early, went over to Belsize Park, met and ran with Nye. Must have another ramble/ run around Heath at some point. Saw Kenwood Hse for first time, like to go round that as well. Ran/walked home from Kentish Town. Ran from St. Pancras Way to Islington Tunnel, first time I've done that side of the tunnel, good and interesting not rushing. Walked over top, why dose it seam SOOO long walking round when ya can see one end of the tunnel from the other? It'd be really good if their was a pedestrian tunnel as well, but wish on. Ran again from other side of tunnel to 'anal blockage,( WHICH IS SUPOSED TO BE GONE THIS FRIDAY. ABOUT BLOODY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!! ) quite tired after that and groin hertin' a bit ( I find it odd that I started to feel it after I started running for second time, ie after I had been moving about and MUST of been warmed up etc.Maybe it isn't a strain but just pain through tiredness? Relativly ok to continue ????? HUUMMMM)So walked home, it's good that I can stop and only do "a bit" instead of pushing and punishing meself (thou. that's fun too!) all the time. Regular work has to be doin' sumat and I am suposed to be enjoying it after all. All's Good.

Just back from watching the race. Ran most of the way there an' all the way back, cheer me up confidence building type thing, short dist. decent type time/speed all good stuff.

The race was interesting the Pros. at the front, Africans, as usual like polished mahogany flying through the strreets, followed by local good club runners all the way down to people in dangeriously new trainers,Converse AllStars, people having a slow stroll round to the blokes dressed as fully loaded donkeys. Races are funny things, one of the few events where it's ok to stare at people and for people to make a spectical of themself, adult (male) schoolgirl, vicker in a tutu etc. I like watching the runners and comparing, I can do 10km in just under an hour, on a good day. So was facinated to see how fast/well others were doing. I'm sure I'd be in the top half of the field, in fact maybe a bit better thou. I don't think this was the most serious ran. Good news thou. I can do this! There were people going through the 4km mark after an hour (!!) and no one laughed, people walked it was ok no one laughed. I can do this I can get round, just gotta remember not to crusefie myself over it.

My Laptop( IBM T23 ThinkPad) isn't very well. For no reason or so it seams whenever I move it,even a small distance off my lap for instance,it seams to stop working either the screen fills up with vertical lines or the screen just freezes up, either way I have to crash it to turn it off then back on to get it to work again.

If anybody has an thoughts on this, either whats wrong with it,how to cure it or even if they know a good place to take it to to get it sorted out I would be most greatful.

Any thoughts beautiful people ?

LIT-ERA-LY !!!

Went out for run after a good un on Fri. decided to stretch meself. Tottenham lock n back in 2 1/2 hours ie less than 10 mins. per mile. Got to the turn really well ahead of schedule an going well. Then, then.... bollox. As in I can feel them, the right one any way. Painful,getting worse......feeling like, 0hNo! A groin strain, buggery bollox asshole!!

Well the good thing that then happened is. I stopped. Stoppped running. Listened to my body.Had or found the courage to stop. Did something for the future,the unknown,the not yet. Stopped, walked home. Suffered the abuse of children who find person walking very funny??? for some not funny facist reason, tho. they would of found sight of person running or stationary or in any other position or state equally as funny. One day it'll be you.

It's a funny thing. Running on empty, legs burning, heart pounding, giving it all I have, every nerve shredded,pushing,pushing,pushing, brain shouting "STOP", IS easy. Giving up is so much harder. Life dose run on Irony!

Here's some watch porn.

I like folk music here's a link All my own work.

Just over 6 in just over an hour. Decent run, nothing special.  Could still feel Wed. run, unsuprisingly. Easy dose it an all that, down the Tpath this Sat morn, just like the canal on a Sat. Good stuff, over 30 miles this week ( if you count it Sat to Sat, yeah yeah I know : a target for next week?).

Prurty dang fine good.

15 miles  in  2:37 mins. This is it, this is my limit. I gave it my all. That's it:  Distance @  Speed. Last couple of miles, I honestly don't know how I did them. Nothing left, running on empty, just will power. If I can do this mad thing once I can do it again,to know it's possible, that I have this in me, mantra foward. Yep, done it. I can do this. Once this or even bits or a bit of this,  of this would of been impossible. Not today, today I CAN DO. Not even middle of May and I'm doin' 15. All good stuff. Is the impossible dream of Berlin in under 4 hour on? Could be! :-)

Sainsburys is full of amateurs.  Hey! Kids! Lets have a day out!  "ok where?" SainsBURYS !!!!   Yahhhh!!!  Lets have a debate about milk and if I grunt in a vaguley agressive way the machinery has to work.

SasaNfrACFecknbumbergerARrsepratDIV.

Good, good,good good run.

In fact such good exercise don't even want to list all the goodie bits about it.

All round a good un.

I'm doin'   IT! 

I'll get there  :-)